One of the hardest things to understand as a newly married couple is how important it is to make decisions together. We often need those hard lessons to teach us this. Purchasing a car, plane ticket, or even a pair of shoes can have serious reparations on your relationships. When decisions aren’t made together, two things stick out: you are still operating with an independent mindset, and poor communication.
Your money is no longer YOUR money, your car is no longer YOUR car. Marriage is all inclusive, meaning once you exchange the I’s for a We, there are no exceptions. You are now responsible for each other, so consider how you loaning that one broke cousin $100 will impact your finances. I look at it as a great thing. I no longer feel bad about not loaning money. My excuse is: My husband said we can’t afford it. Don’t judge me, lol, my heart can be soft so I need an out😜. He doesn’t mind being the fall guy if that prevents us from making unnecessary mistakes, purchases, etc.
But the bottom line: communicate with your spouse before making decisions. Trust his/ her instincts.
At the beginning of next week, I’ll get back to regular content. But I wanted to take time to celebrate love and the things I’ve learned over the years. Be patient, I am halfway through.
Your Spouse Should Be Your Best Friend.
This is not rocket science, however, this is not something that always happens before marriage (I’m proof). However, if there is anyone you should have the greatest relationship with-it is your spouse. If you celebrate news first, disclose pitfalls and setbacks with anyone other than your spouse- You are wrong!!! As you should be the number one supporter for your spouse, he/she should be this for you as well.
Going back to my last post, keeping people out of your business, if your spouse is your best friend, there’s less room for others to criticize, judge, or have so much input in your life. When thinking of fun vacations, enjoying good dinners, movies and long talks with, who comes to mind? When you need to cry, who is the first person you will call? If there is something I wish someone would’ve told me, about marriage, it would’ve been: to always have a friendship inside your marriage. Some people won’t get that, I’ll try to break it down:
When you are dating, what is your aim? To get married, have kids? When you’re married, the goal is to stay married right? 😆 But nowhere in there is the goal of becoming and maintaining a good friendship. Ultimately the goal should be to become great friends first and marry your best friend. But if you’re backwards like me, ish doesn’t always happen that way! So while you are focusing on being a great wife or husband, also focus on being great friends. One of the things that has maintained my relationship, and others that I know, is that they just genuinely get along really well.
If you’ve read my post on What Makes a Successful Marriage, then you’ve read this tip before. If you haven’t, click the link below.
I have never been that person to always want to be “boo’d up.” I actually enjoy being alone. Over the course of these past 10 years, I learned that doing things independently is sometimes warranted. Now that can be as big as vacationing with your friends, to as small as visiting your family on the weekend or spending the day out of the house. But carving out time to “do you” is a necessity so you don’t lose yourself.
One common theme in divorces is at least one spouse saying “I don’t know who I am anymore.” We get married and focus on being a great spouse and a amazing parent, but what about YOU? Self care is a key factor in overall health and satisfaction in general.
Take care of yourself. Spend time alone, or hanging with friends. Allow yourself time to miss your spouse, and make up for it later.😜
There is this term we like to use in therapy: enmeshment. To be enmeshed is having an unhealthy sense of closeness where boundaries are not visible (learn this word). I grew up in a very enmeshed household and we were so close, still are, where knowing each other’s business was just sort of a way of protecting one another and keeping each other in the loop on our life. But let me tell you, that ish goes down hill really quick. Living and speaking too freely with people about matters that don’t concern them, will effect your relationship to brink of divorce. When you allow people into your personal matters, you are giving them a right to inserting their opinion. There are certain friends that call me, and my response is “are you asking your friend, or a therapist?” Because sometimes, as friends and family, we want to be the protector but our judgments get in the way of the advice we give.
I am not saying not to have that trusted friend or parent that you go to. But just like you should pick your battles in your relationship, choose your disclosures wisely with those around you. Not everyone needs to know your business. This is probably the ONLY thing I got right from the very beginning lol.
When you think of talking to that certain someone about your marital woes, consider the following:
1. What is their relationship like?
2. How can he/she help me? If they can’t help offer positive insight, take your venting elsewhere. No need for a judgemental friend.