Have You Let That Friend Go Yet?

A couple of weeks ago, I released a podcast titled “When To Let Go of Friends Who No Longer Serve You Purpose.” If you have not listened, you can check it out here or here . We often miss our blessing because we are hanging on to the past due to fear. And sometimes old friends are one of those things that we are simply afraid to let go of. I believe that every friend that walked through my life was great. Some were meant for a lifetime, whereas some were meant for a season. It took a while for me to come to grips with that. At one point, I thought I was turning my back on them. In actuality, I was turning my back on my growth. Letting go is not saying “I am better than you,” or “You were never a great friend.” Letting go is saying “Thank you for being a safe place in my life when I needed, however, it is time for the both of us to grow.”

Many times we hung on to relationships with our significant others because it was easy, even though we knew it was over a long time ago. Moving on is hard, so we allow ourselves to stay in that dysfunctional or draining funk, even though we know our life will be so much lighter if we just move on. Here is a few questions to ask yourself about your friendships that you are struggling with:

  1. Does this person bring light to my life?
  2. Does this person congratulate me on my wins, and uplift me through my lows?
  3. Does this person support my growth?
  4. Are our conversations one sided?
  5. Does answering their call drain me before I hear his/her voice (trust me this happens)?
  6. Are our conversations uplifting or just messy and draining?

I can go on and on, but do you have more no’s that yeses? Then it is time to determine if that friend is holding you back instead of pushing you forward. Give yourself the permission to move on. You deserve it.


3 things I learned about love from the passing of my (Grand) mother

I just got back (to my residence) from the hardest thing I have ever done-burying my (grand) mother. I know you see grand in parenthesis again; I will explain later. I am sooo over funerals, as I have been to many in my short 37 years of living-and those are just the ones I attended….add 4 to the close loved ones I didn’t. Death is often seen as a sad occasion because you realize that you will never see that person again, you have regrets/guilt, or you’re just plain hurt. I remember my first loss when I was a pre-teen and it still sits with me to this day. Some of my family members passed and I remember feeling at ease because they were at a state of suffering that needed to end. This one hit a little differently though.

Since I was born, I always lived with my mother, grandmother and grandfather (and sibling). So she was a witness to all of my firsts, and was the reason for many of them. She was my mother’s mother and my other mother. Even my great aunt called her my “mama.” Losing her 14 days ago hit like no other-even though we knew for months it was coming. For the sake of not turning a blog post into a book (lol), I will get right to it. She led a life that included hurt, pain, racism, and love…no matter what, she loved. Her soul, to this day, is the most purest I have ever met. This lady did not even know what petty meant!! I learned so much from her and I want to just share with you a few of them.

  1. Unconditional Love- My grandmother always loved in spite of. She never loved thinking there was a time where not loving was an option. She always gave her full self. This could be considered not just an amazing trait, but also a weakness by some. Regardless, she loved despite. When you love unconditionally, it means that you love with every bit of you.. It does not mean, however, you overlook red flags (abuse, infidelity) that occurs in your marriage. Love unconditionally, but be wise always.
  2. It is never to late to try again at love- My grandmother’s first husband was abusive. I am not sure for how long, but I do know the marriage was short lived. Then came my grandfather, who she was “common law” married to (for over 20 years) until his death. My grandfather was good to me and my other siblings. After his death, she never entered into another relationship. Which leads me to my last nugget.
  3. Love Yourself More!! If there is nothing you get from this message, please get this! If my grandmother longed for a relationship after my grandfather died, we never knew it. She never stopped living once her marital relationships ceased, and never let herself go. She loved herself enough to know that she was enough. She never presented to us that a relationship was the end all be all. Relationships are lovely, don’t get me wrong. When you have them, nurture them, but do not let define you.

Question: What have you learned the most, about relationships, from your loved ones?

Who Are You Loving Anyways?

When talking to clients, one thing I’ve often seen is their struggle to understand their partner. Honestly, I think at some point we all may have been there. Have you are your partner ever said “You don’t really know me?” See, there’s this crazy notion that love is fluid-and it’s not, especially in relationships. You don’t go lovin’ one person the same way you loved your “last” person. Love does not work like that. If you are loving your new/current partner the way you are loving your ex, then who are you loving anyways? You are too busy trying to love rather than learning how to love.

One of the greatest things you can do for your relationship is taking time to learn the person you with and not just loving the person you are with. To be truly in love takes time and not something that happens overnight. If you break up with person A in May and you are in love with person B by August, then are you carrying that love from one person to the next, and whose love is your partner receiving?

Who Lied To You?

4 Myths You Were Told About Marriages

Being married is a beautiful thing. To have a special person in your life that you get to wake up to every day, share your desires and goals with, is absolutely amazing! Not only to share those goals, but to be supported in them as well. Depending on who you talk to, you can hear some the craziest, old school myths about marriages- that people actually believe!!! I want to highlight some of those myths so people don’t fall into believing this false narrative.

Marriage changes people. This is a deep one that we can discuss for hours on end. We see many people, mainly women, thinking their significant other will change as a result of being married. We force commitment on them, thinking it would change who they are. True, there is some change that occurs in marriages, but for the most part, the person you marry is the person he or she will be. Let me repeat that for the people in the back: the person you marry will most likely (emphasis on most) not change. For example, If you’re in a abusive relationship, marriage won’t make that person be less abusive-if anything it can increase.

Having a child will strengthen the relationship. This is a WHOLE lie! If your marriage is in trouble before you have a child, bringing one into the world will not make it better. A child will more than likely make it worse, because the issues are easily avoided by placing more focus on the child. Your child is unknowingly caught in a covert triangle-how fair is that??

Your kids should always come first. Have you seen in the many chat groups or posts -questions such as “Ladies, who do you serve first at the table?” blah blah blah. The comments are actually very interesting to read. But with these conversations and and many others, it is interesting to see how many people put their children first ALL the time. Well, let me ask you this: if your children always come first, when do you have time to focus on your relationship (when your children are go to sleep, when they turn 20..😒)? Children are indeed important, because they depend solely on us parents for their survival. Do you know what else needs to be taken care of in order to survive-your relationship. There are times where the children need to be in the back seat (pun intended).

With time, you naturally grow closer. This could not be further from the truth. Communication, intimacy (not just sex), working through conflicts is what brings forth growth in your relationship. Ever hear someone say they are closer to their spouse now than what they were 10 years ago? This is because they continuously learn one another and make changes together. You don’t stop growing because you get married and we all don’t change at the same pace. Failure to communicate, not adjusting to your spouse’s growth and ignoring the necessary work that it takes, can produce detatchment in your relationship.

These are just some of the things we see, hear and believe about marriages and they simply are not true. What are some myths a you’ve heard about marriages? Share below.

Picture from reigningpeace.org