Forced Fusion

We are at a time where we are forced to be still. People have their opinions about why this happened, how it’s affecting us, how it could have been avoided blah blah blah. Fact is….we are here.

We are forced to be still. In a world where we are usually busy working, hanging out with friends, getting our kids ready for school tomorrow, laundry, etc., we have been forced to slow down. During this slow time what are you catching up on in your relationships? Have you discovered what has been missing or what areas need to be enhanced? Are you paying attention to the child that you were too busy to listen to before because you had to work and were overly stressed yourself? Are you listening to your body and taking better care of it?

There is a lot of devastation right now and it easy to get caught up in all the negatives. But look at the blessing which is this reset that many of us has been offered. Life will resume back to normal before you know it. You will be back busy, if not busier playing catch up. But take this time to play catch up as well…in your homes. Heal those wounds. Speak life and love back into your relationship. Have those hard but necessary conversations that you have been avoiding.

The world told us to stop but I say Go! Pour your time, love and dedication into those you are fused with. Ensure that when things are back to normal, you can transition easily knowing that home is in a solid place.

Who Lied To You?

4 Myths You Were Told About Marriages

Being married is a beautiful thing. To have a special person in your life that you get to wake up to every day, share your desires and goals with, is absolutely amazing! Not only to share those goals, but to be supported in them as well. Depending on who you talk to, you can hear some the craziest, old school myths about marriages- that people actually believe!!! I want to highlight some of those myths so people don’t fall into believing this false narrative.

Marriage changes people. This is a deep one that we can discuss for hours on end. We see many people, mainly women, thinking their significant other will change as a result of being married. We force commitment on them, thinking it would change who they are. True, there is some change that occurs in marriages, but for the most part, the person you marry is the person he or she will be. Let me repeat that for the people in the back: the person you marry will most likely (emphasis on most) not change. For example, If you’re in a abusive relationship, marriage won’t make that person be less abusive-if anything it can increase.

Having a child will strengthen the relationship. This is a WHOLE lie! If your marriage is in trouble before you have a child, bringing one into the world will not make it better. A child will more than likely make it worse, because the issues are easily avoided by placing more focus on the child. Your child is unknowingly caught in a covert triangle-how fair is that??

Your kids should always come first. Have you seen in the many chat groups or posts -questions such as “Ladies, who do you serve first at the table?” blah blah blah. The comments are actually very interesting to read. But with these conversations and and many others, it is interesting to see how many people put their children first ALL the time. Well, let me ask you this: if your children always come first, when do you have time to focus on your relationship (when your children are go to sleep, when they turn 20..😒)? Children are indeed important, because they depend solely on us parents for their survival. Do you know what else needs to be taken care of in order to survive-your relationship. There are times where the children need to be in the back seat (pun intended).

With time, you naturally grow closer. This could not be further from the truth. Communication, intimacy (not just sex), working through conflicts is what brings forth growth in your relationship. Ever hear someone say they are closer to their spouse now than what they were 10 years ago? This is because they continuously learn one another and make changes together. You don’t stop growing because you get married and we all don’t change at the same pace. Failure to communicate, not adjusting to your spouse’s growth and ignoring the necessary work that it takes, can produce detatchment in your relationship.

These are just some of the things we see, hear and believe about marriages and they simply are not true. What are some myths a you’ve heard about marriages? Share below.

Picture from reigningpeace.org

Let’s Talk About Sex: the truth about foreplay.

I have two questions: 1. What is your definition of foreplay, and 2. Do you like foreplay?
Well, honestly, I haven’t met one person who doesn’t like foreplay😁. But first, let’s take a deep dive into what foreplay is, because to each person, the definition differs. According to Oxford dictionary, foreplay is “sexual activity that precedes intercourse.” I really would like to know how old that definition is (ha ha).I’m assuming that their meaning of “sexual activity” is petting, kissing, oral stimulation (massaging) etc. But let’s be honest here: depending on the length of your relationship, language of love, foreplay can be completely different. Now let’s explore that.
For some foreplay starts with the first kiss, first thing in the morning…even if your breath stinks. There are others who are turned on if their significant other takes responsibilities off your hand such as: cooking, washing dishes, running errands, bathing the kids, cutting the grass, ironing clothes. Foreplay can also be taking the initiative and paying a bill, being spontaneous!
According to an article in Psychology Today “Intercourse is not the key to most women’s sexual satisfaction.” So what does that mean for you? This means that the majority of women are not automatically turned on by sexual advances 5 minutes before you want to have sex…I’m just delivering the message!🤷🏾‍♀️
Foreplay is not just about physical touch, but also emotional and mental stimulation. Foreplay does not start right before sex, it starts first thing in the morning.
So tomorrow morning, start by asking your significant other, “Tell me what I can do to make your day lighter today?” I have tons of other questions I’d like to offer, but I want to read your responses? What do you wish your spouse/significant other would do more, or less of to put you in the mood? Or what do you do at home (already) that works for you? Let’s chat!

Last 3 Tips

So we are at the end, and these last three tips. They really mesh together, and are probably the most forgotten in relationships.

Checking In

One thing we often forget to do in relationships is check in with our significant other. How often do you ask, “Are you happy,” “Are you satisfied” or “What could I be doing better?” We get into a place in our marriages, where we feel its going great because we (individually) are happy. But what about your spouse, just because you are happy, does not mean that he/she is. We all perceive things differently-so do not assume that because you are happy, your spouse feels the same. Also, internally, we are afraid of the truth. So if you ask this question, and the answer is “No, I am not happy” then the what next comes into play. We hear no, but interpret, he/she doesn’t want me anymore. You will go through phases in your marriage, where you are honestly not happy. But this is where you communicate, learn, and grow. So check in with your spouse, as life changes, people change and grow. So communicate and grow together. Do not be afraid of the answer, be afraid of what may happen if you do not ask the question. I propose that you check in with your significant other at least every 6 months.

9. Dating (have fun)

When was the last time you’ve been on a date? Take a minute, think about it. How often did you date when you were courting? I know you are probably thinking “life gets in the way, we work, have kids, etc.” I get that; I am guilty of it. However, we have to make time for the things that are important in your life. What are the 3 most important things in your life? How much time do you dedicate to those things, and what is the result? Take time to shut off the world and give attention to each other. Carve out at least one night every two weeks-at least- for just you two. Low on funds, when the kids go to bed, put the phones in a different room, and enjoy a nice dinner and in-home movie. Better yet, have drinks in the kitchen or on the patio and refer to #8 above~ check in with each other.

10. Never Give Up

There is so much  more I could say, but this last tip sums it up: Never Give Up. Never stop loving, and never stop trying. It can be easier said than done, because quitting and walking away is often easier than going through the fire and hard work, even though success and happiness is on the other side. Choose the road that is often not taken. Resilience is key to mastering anything in life- including your relationships.

I hope you have enjoyed some of the many marriage tips I have shared over the course of two weeks. If you have any, that can give me and others insight, please share below. And click the link below for a poem by Maya Angelou that will perfectly sum it all up.

 

 

 

It’s my anniversary!!

At the beginning of next week, I’ll get back to regular content. But I wanted to take time to celebrate love and the things I’ve learned over the years. Be patient, I am halfway through.

Tip #6

Your Spouse Should Be Your Best Friend.

This is not rocket science, however, this is not something that always happens before marriage (I’m proof). However, if there is anyone you should have the greatest relationship with-it is your spouse. If you celebrate news first, disclose pitfalls and setbacks with anyone other than your spouse- You are wrong!!! As you should be the number one supporter for your spouse, he/she should be this for you as well.

C121F676-6280-4147-BC6E-EBDE6BD4FAE2Going back to my last post, keeping people out of your business, if your spouse is your best friend, there’s less room for others to criticize, judge,  or have so much input in your life. When thinking of fun vacations, enjoying good dinners, movies and long talks with, who comes to mind? When you need to cry, who is the first person you will call? If there is something I wish someone would’ve told me, about marriage, it would’ve been: to always have a friendship inside your marriage. Some people won’t get that, I’ll try to break it down:

When you are dating, what is your aim? To get married, have kids? When you’re married, the goal is to stay married right? 😆 But nowhere in there is the goal of becoming and maintaining a good friendship. Ultimately the goal should be to become great friends first and marry your best friend. But if you’re backwards like me, ish doesn’t always happen that way! So while you are focusing on being a great wife or husband, also focus on being great friends. One of the things that has maintained my relationship, and others that I know, is that they just genuinely get along really well.

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Keeping People Out of Your Business!

There is this term we like to use in therapy: enmeshment. To be enmeshed is having an unhealthy sense of closeness where boundaries are not visible (learn this word). I grew up in a very enmeshed household and we were so close, still are, where knowing each other’s business was just sort of a way of protecting one another and keeping each other in the loop on our life. But let me tell you, that ish goes down hill really quick.  Living and speaking too freely with people about matters that don’t concern them, will effect your relationship to brink of divorce. When you allow people into your personal matters, you are giving them a right to inserting their opinion. There are certain friends that call me, and my response is “are you asking your friend, or a therapist?” Because sometimes, as friends and family, we want to be the protector but our judgments get in the way of the advice we give.

I am not saying not to have that trusted friend or parent that you go to. But just like you should pick your battles in your relationship, choose your disclosures wisely with those around you. Not everyone needs to know your business. This is probably the ONLY thing I got right from the very beginning lol.

When you think of talking to that certain someone about your marital woes, consider the following:

1. What is their relationship like?

2. How can he/she help me? If they can’t help offer positive insight, take your venting elsewhere. No need for a judgemental friend.

3. Can I trust this person?

 

Marriage tips continued~2 more days.

2/3: Accepting the Bad with the Good/Picking Your Battles

I referenced in the last post how rough the first years of marriage can be. Even though it is the honeymoon period, it is also an adjustment period as well. Another thing I learned during the first few years is accepting the good with the bad. I wanted everything to be perfect, and be that couple that never has any problems-no marriage will ever be like this. Yet, I figured mine would be the exception. I wanted to “fix” the bad things about him so much, that I forgot focus on the all the great things he brought to the relationship. After worrying, stressing and consistently trying to make him “perfect,” I neglected how amazing he was (still is). So what if your guy leaves the toilet seat up, has one beer a night after work, or if your wife leaves hair in the sink-will that be detrimental to your marriage….NO!

This is called nitpicking, and I was guilty. Did it hurt me, my kids, our finances, lifestyle, etc.? It didn’t. Ask yourself, how does him leaving the toilet seat up going to ruin my marriage? If this is the worst thing about your marriage, you just may have found a keeper.

I always tell my friends when they first enter a relationship: identify the negatives/red flags. Then ask yourself if they are deal breakers for you. This is how you learn, early on, if these actions will have a severe effect on your relationship in the future.

Pick your battles. Think before you speak. Ask yourself: is this conversation necessary, will it change the course of our marriage? Will it make our marriage better?