Who Lied To You?

4 Myths You Were Told About Marriages

Being married is a beautiful thing. To have a special person in your life that you get to wake up to every day, share your desires and goals with, is absolutely amazing! Not only to share those goals, but to be supported in them as well. Depending on who you talk to, you can hear some the craziest, old school myths about marriages- that people actually believe!!! I want to highlight some of those myths so people don’t fall into believing this false narrative.

Marriage changes people. This is a deep one that we can discuss for hours on end. We see many people, mainly women, thinking their significant other will change as a result of being married. We force commitment on them, thinking it would change who they are. True, there is some change that occurs in marriages, but for the most part, the person you marry is the person he or she will be. Let me repeat that for the people in the back: the person you marry will most likely (emphasis on most) not change. For example, If you’re in a abusive relationship, marriage won’t make that person be less abusive-if anything it can increase.

Having a child will strengthen the relationship. This is a WHOLE lie! If your marriage is in trouble before you have a child, bringing one into the world will not make it better. A child will more than likely make it worse, because the issues are easily avoided by placing more focus on the child. Your child is unknowingly caught in a covert triangle-how fair is that??

Your kids should always come first. Have you seen in the many chat groups or posts -questions such as “Ladies, who do you serve first at the table?” blah blah blah. The comments are actually very interesting to read. But with these conversations and and many others, it is interesting to see how many people put their children first ALL the time. Well, let me ask you this: if your children always come first, when do you have time to focus on your relationship (when your children are go to sleep, when they turn 20..😒)? Children are indeed important, because they depend solely on us parents for their survival. Do you know what else needs to be taken care of in order to survive-your relationship. There are times where the children need to be in the back seat (pun intended).

With time, you naturally grow closer. This could not be further from the truth. Communication, intimacy (not just sex), working through conflicts is what brings forth growth in your relationship. Ever hear someone say they are closer to their spouse now than what they were 10 years ago? This is because they continuously learn one another and make changes together. You don’t stop growing because you get married and we all don’t change at the same pace. Failure to communicate, not adjusting to your spouse’s growth and ignoring the necessary work that it takes, can produce detatchment in your relationship.

These are just some of the things we see, hear and believe about marriages and they simply are not true. What are some myths a you’ve heard about marriages? Share below.

Picture from reigningpeace.org

Check on Someone Today

We have all seen the stats come across our timelines, cell phones and/or tv screens of depression, bullying, abuse and suicide. I can discuss and post many of those here but I would like to do something different instead.

With today being World Mental Health Day, let’s ask someone how they are doing. I do not mean the typical “How ya doin” when you want something or respectful the phone etiquette. I am talking about a meaningful “Hey friend, how are YOU today?” You would be surprised at how many people are 1. Not doing fine, and 2. Was simply glad that someone took out the time to ask.

We get so caught up in our own lives and situations, that we (sometimes) forget to do good things -that don’t cost a thing.  You may save a life today, or give someone renewed hope. Let’s be a light today in someone else’s life.

Featured image courtesy of Fully Flourished

How Outsiders Influence your Relationship

Everyone knows the saying “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,” Or “Lose lips sink ships.” Why is this not the same in marriages? Why are outsiders allowed to have an influence on what occurs in your home?

First, let’s recognize who the “outsiders” are that I’m referring to. My definition of outsider: anyone who doesn’t live with you (laugh…but I’m serious). Yes, this means your mama too. This is not to say that you can’t have conversations with your friends. But going into detail about the events that occur in your home produces the following consequences:

1: You open the door for others to have opinions on your life. You may not think this, but usually when you vent, cry, or complain or praise of your relationship, a response will follow.

2. When you express these concerns to others, do you trust they will keep your information confidential? So now you’ve possibly (unknowingly) discussed your relationship woes with more than one person.

3. Domestic conflict. Including others in your marital business will cause conflict with your spouse, and trust may decline. He/she may not trust that you will respect the confidentiality of what goes on in your home.

This is not to say, not have a close friend that you can confide in from time to time. We all need that,right? On a TV show I recently seen, the couple met with two other couples and they would get together monthly and discuss their problems and work on resolution as a team. If this works for you-great. However, there should be an understanding of what shall not leave the home.

Once you marry, that is your New union~a separation from your own life, depending on your culture/religion. One way to decrease conflict in your home is by not letting others in. Don’t let friends, family, or loved ones have power over your life.

Making Decisions Together~Tip 7

One of the hardest things to understand as a newly married couple is how important it is to make decisions together. We often need those hard lessons to teach us this. Purchasing a car, plane ticket, or even a pair of shoes can have serious reparations on your relationships. When decisions aren’t made together, two things stick out: you are still operating with an independent mindset, and poor communication.

Your money is no longer YOUR money, your car is no longer YOUR car. Marriage is all inclusive, meaning once you exchange the I’s for a We, there are no exceptions. You are now responsible for each other, so consider how you loaning that one broke cousin $100 will impact your finances. I look at it as a great thing. I no longer feel bad about not loaning money. My excuse is: My husband said we can’t afford it. Don’t judge me, lol, my heart can be soft so I need an out😜. He doesn’t mind being the fall guy if that prevents us from making unnecessary mistakes, purchases, etc.

But the bottom line: communicate with your spouse before making decisions. Trust his/ her instincts.

Tip #5

Don’t Lose Yourself 

If you’ve read my post on What Makes a Successful Marriage, then you’ve read this tip before. If you haven’t, click the link below.

I have never been that person to always want to be “boo’d up.” I actually enjoy being alone. Over the course of these past 10 years, I learned that doing things independently is sometimes warranted. Now that can be as big as vacationing with your friends, to as small as visiting your family on the weekend or spending the day out of the house. But carving out time to “do you” is a necessity so you don’t lose yourself.

One common theme in divorces is at least one spouse saying “I don’t know who I am anymore.” We get married and focus on being a great spouse and a amazing parent, but what about YOU? Self care is a key factor in overall health and satisfaction in general.

Take care of yourself. Spend time alone, or hanging with friends. Allow yourself time to miss your spouse, and make up for it later.😜

What Makes a Marriage Successful?

 

When was your last tune up?

When was the last time you got your oil changed; its due every three months right? What about your dental appointment, every six months right? When was the last time your marriage had a tune up? We get our oil changed quarterly, teeth, bi-annually, but when was the last time you checked in with your spouse? Maybe you feel that because you still cook, clean, take care of his kids, or (fellas) work hard, bring flowers every Wednesday, buy her everything she needs. But is that enough? Maybe he’s tired of the same sex positions, maybe she’s tired of “just because” roses every third Wednesday. News flash: 🌹 “just because it’s Wednesday,” played out 4 years ago 🌹 lol.

When was the last time you asked your significant other, are you happy? Why do we just assume they are happy because we offer what we “feel” makes them happy. Did the same thing that made you happy 6 years ago, still makes your day-today? Life changes, we grow, priorities change. 6 years ago, I didn’t care about dishes because we didn’t have kids…..well now I do and if you did them from time to time, it would be amazing (for example 😜). We often assume we know our partners are happy because we may not want to face the truth that they may not be. That is the hard part, right, to actually hear of unhappiness in your household.

Below are three questions that should be asked,every few months,or bi annually at the least…..kinda like that dental appointment we never seem to miss.

1. Are you happy?

I told you all before, I love my scaling questions, as they measure for progress, when working with clients. So possibly offering it in a scaling style. For example, On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being the worst and 10 being the best, how happy are you with the way our marriage/relationship is? Numbers are great, versus saying “good,” or “I’m happy.” I’m a gal that like details, so pick a number please! Ha ha

2. What areas need improvement?

This is a great area to explore, as we often feel that when someone is not as happy as we are, or maybe even happier, first understand that we often see things differently-hence the need for this conversation.

3. What do you need from me?

Please pay attention to the response you get from this- this is a very powerful question. Sometimes a partner may not be happy in a marriage because of their own inability to manage time, unresolved personal issues, etc. They may very well just need you to keep doing what you are doing, while they put more effort into xyz. However, if he/she says “I need you to….” then work on ways to do that for the overall healthiness of your marriage.

Longevity does not equal success (I need to coin this phrase). Don’t assume what you don’t know because you fail to ask. If you don’t change your oil, it will run out and your head gasket will blow. Don’t let your marriage run without routine maintenance-or it will blow too.