There is this term we like to use in therapy: enmeshment. To be enmeshed is having an unhealthy sense of closeness where boundaries are not visible (learn this word). I grew up in a very enmeshed household and we were so close, still are, where knowing each other’s business was just sort of a way of protecting one another and keeping each other in the loop on our life. But let me tell you, that ish goes down hill really quick. Living and speaking too freely with people about matters that don’t concern them, will effect your relationship to brink of divorce. When you allow people into your personal matters, you are giving them a right to inserting their opinion. There are certain friends that call me, and my response is “are you asking your friend, or a therapist?” Because sometimes, as friends and family, we want to be the protector but our judgments get in the way of the advice we give.
I am not saying not to have that trusted friend or parent that you go to. But just like you should pick your battles in your relationship, choose your disclosures wisely with those around you. Not everyone needs to know your business. This is probably the ONLY thing I got right from the very beginning lol.
When you think of talking to that certain someone about your marital woes, consider the following:
1. What is their relationship like?
2. How can he/she help me? If they can’t help offer positive insight, take your venting elsewhere. No need for a judgemental friend.
3. Can I trust this person?