Who Lied To You?

4 Myths You Were Told About Marriages

Being married is a beautiful thing. To have a special person in your life that you get to wake up to every day, share your desires and goals with, is absolutely amazing! Not only to share those goals, but to be supported in them as well. Depending on who you talk to, you can hear some the craziest, old school myths about marriages- that people actually believe!!! I want to highlight some of those myths so people don’t fall into believing this false narrative.

Marriage changes people. This is a deep one that we can discuss for hours on end. We see many people, mainly women, thinking their significant other will change as a result of being married. We force commitment on them, thinking it would change who they are. True, there is some change that occurs in marriages, but for the most part, the person you marry is the person he or she will be. Let me repeat that for the people in the back: the person you marry will most likely (emphasis on most) not change. For example, If you’re in a abusive relationship, marriage won’t make that person be less abusive-if anything it can increase.

Having a child will strengthen the relationship. This is a WHOLE lie! If your marriage is in trouble before you have a child, bringing one into the world will not make it better. A child will more than likely make it worse, because the issues are easily avoided by placing more focus on the child. Your child is unknowingly caught in a covert triangle-how fair is that??

Your kids should always come first. Have you seen in the many chat groups or posts -questions such as “Ladies, who do you serve first at the table?” blah blah blah. The comments are actually very interesting to read. But with these conversations and and many others, it is interesting to see how many people put their children first ALL the time. Well, let me ask you this: if your children always come first, when do you have time to focus on your relationship (when your children are go to sleep, when they turn 20..😒)? Children are indeed important, because they depend solely on us parents for their survival. Do you know what else needs to be taken care of in order to survive-your relationship. There are times where the children need to be in the back seat (pun intended).

With time, you naturally grow closer. This could not be further from the truth. Communication, intimacy (not just sex), working through conflicts is what brings forth growth in your relationship. Ever hear someone say they are closer to their spouse now than what they were 10 years ago? This is because they continuously learn one another and make changes together. You don’t stop growing because you get married and we all don’t change at the same pace. Failure to communicate, not adjusting to your spouse’s growth and ignoring the necessary work that it takes, can produce detatchment in your relationship.

These are just some of the things we see, hear and believe about marriages and they simply are not true. What are some myths a you’ve heard about marriages? Share below.

Picture from reigningpeace.org

Check on Someone Today

We have all seen the stats come across our timelines, cell phones and/or tv screens of depression, bullying, abuse and suicide. I can discuss and post many of those here but I would like to do something different instead.

With today being World Mental Health Day, let’s ask someone how they are doing. I do not mean the typical “How ya doin” when you want something or respectful the phone etiquette. I am talking about a meaningful “Hey friend, how are YOU today?” You would be surprised at how many people are 1. Not doing fine, and 2. Was simply glad that someone took out the time to ask.

We get so caught up in our own lives and situations, that we (sometimes) forget to do good things -that don’t cost a thing.  You may save a life today, or give someone renewed hope. Let’s be a light today in someone else’s life.

Featured image courtesy of Fully Flourished

How Outsiders Influence your Relationship

Everyone knows the saying “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,” Or “Lose lips sink ships.” Why is this not the same in marriages? Why are outsiders allowed to have an influence on what occurs in your home?

First, let’s recognize who the “outsiders” are that I’m referring to. My definition of outsider: anyone who doesn’t live with you (laugh…but I’m serious). Yes, this means your mama too. This is not to say that you can’t have conversations with your friends. But going into detail about the events that occur in your home produces the following consequences:

1: You open the door for others to have opinions on your life. You may not think this, but usually when you vent, cry, or complain or praise of your relationship, a response will follow.

2. When you express these concerns to others, do you trust they will keep your information confidential? So now you’ve possibly (unknowingly) discussed your relationship woes with more than one person.

3. Domestic conflict. Including others in your marital business will cause conflict with your spouse, and trust may decline. He/she may not trust that you will respect the confidentiality of what goes on in your home.

This is not to say, not have a close friend that you can confide in from time to time. We all need that,right? On a TV show I recently seen, the couple met with two other couples and they would get together monthly and discuss their problems and work on resolution as a team. If this works for you-great. However, there should be an understanding of what shall not leave the home.

Once you marry, that is your New union~a separation from your own life, depending on your culture/religion. One way to decrease conflict in your home is by not letting others in. Don’t let friends, family, or loved ones have power over your life.

Let’s Talk About Sex: the truth about foreplay.

I have two questions: 1. What is your definition of foreplay, and 2. Do you like foreplay?
Well, honestly, I haven’t met one person who doesn’t like foreplay😁. But first, let’s take a deep dive into what foreplay is, because to each person, the definition differs. According to Oxford dictionary, foreplay is “sexual activity that precedes intercourse.” I really would like to know how old that definition is (ha ha).I’m assuming that their meaning of “sexual activity” is petting, kissing, oral stimulation (massaging) etc. But let’s be honest here: depending on the length of your relationship, language of love, foreplay can be completely different. Now let’s explore that.
For some foreplay starts with the first kiss, first thing in the morning…even if your breath stinks. There are others who are turned on if their significant other takes responsibilities off your hand such as: cooking, washing dishes, running errands, bathing the kids, cutting the grass, ironing clothes. Foreplay can also be taking the initiative and paying a bill, being spontaneous!
According to an article in Psychology Today “Intercourse is not the key to most women’s sexual satisfaction.” So what does that mean for you? This means that the majority of women are not automatically turned on by sexual advances 5 minutes before you want to have sex…I’m just delivering the message!🤷🏾‍♀️
Foreplay is not just about physical touch, but also emotional and mental stimulation. Foreplay does not start right before sex, it starts first thing in the morning.
So tomorrow morning, start by asking your significant other, “Tell me what I can do to make your day lighter today?” I have tons of other questions I’d like to offer, but I want to read your responses? What do you wish your spouse/significant other would do more, or less of to put you in the mood? Or what do you do at home (already) that works for you? Let’s chat!

Last 3 Tips

So we are at the end, and these last three tips. They really mesh together, and are probably the most forgotten in relationships.

Checking In

One thing we often forget to do in relationships is check in with our significant other. How often do you ask, “Are you happy,” “Are you satisfied” or “What could I be doing better?” We get into a place in our marriages, where we feel its going great because we (individually) are happy. But what about your spouse, just because you are happy, does not mean that he/she is. We all perceive things differently-so do not assume that because you are happy, your spouse feels the same. Also, internally, we are afraid of the truth. So if you ask this question, and the answer is “No, I am not happy” then the what next comes into play. We hear no, but interpret, he/she doesn’t want me anymore. You will go through phases in your marriage, where you are honestly not happy. But this is where you communicate, learn, and grow. So check in with your spouse, as life changes, people change and grow. So communicate and grow together. Do not be afraid of the answer, be afraid of what may happen if you do not ask the question. I propose that you check in with your significant other at least every 6 months.

9. Dating (have fun)

When was the last time you’ve been on a date? Take a minute, think about it. How often did you date when you were courting? I know you are probably thinking “life gets in the way, we work, have kids, etc.” I get that; I am guilty of it. However, we have to make time for the things that are important in your life. What are the 3 most important things in your life? How much time do you dedicate to those things, and what is the result? Take time to shut off the world and give attention to each other. Carve out at least one night every two weeks-at least- for just you two. Low on funds, when the kids go to bed, put the phones in a different room, and enjoy a nice dinner and in-home movie. Better yet, have drinks in the kitchen or on the patio and refer to #8 above~ check in with each other.

10. Never Give Up

There is so much  more I could say, but this last tip sums it up: Never Give Up. Never stop loving, and never stop trying. It can be easier said than done, because quitting and walking away is often easier than going through the fire and hard work, even though success and happiness is on the other side. Choose the road that is often not taken. Resilience is key to mastering anything in life- including your relationships.

I hope you have enjoyed some of the many marriage tips I have shared over the course of two weeks. If you have any, that can give me and others insight, please share below. And click the link below for a poem by Maya Angelou that will perfectly sum it all up.

 

 

 

Making Decisions Together~Tip 7

One of the hardest things to understand as a newly married couple is how important it is to make decisions together. We often need those hard lessons to teach us this. Purchasing a car, plane ticket, or even a pair of shoes can have serious reparations on your relationships. When decisions aren’t made together, two things stick out: you are still operating with an independent mindset, and poor communication.

Your money is no longer YOUR money, your car is no longer YOUR car. Marriage is all inclusive, meaning once you exchange the I’s for a We, there are no exceptions. You are now responsible for each other, so consider how you loaning that one broke cousin $100 will impact your finances. I look at it as a great thing. I no longer feel bad about not loaning money. My excuse is: My husband said we can’t afford it. Don’t judge me, lol, my heart can be soft so I need an out😜. He doesn’t mind being the fall guy if that prevents us from making unnecessary mistakes, purchases, etc.

But the bottom line: communicate with your spouse before making decisions. Trust his/ her instincts.